8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
