its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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