so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
