i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
whose parrot is this?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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