My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
