I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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