Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
