I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
