i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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