I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
