he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
