my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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