God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
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He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
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Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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