How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
