when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
