You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
