is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
