I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
They took my balls.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
