Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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