3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
