a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
