I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
