I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
