her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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