her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
