I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
