Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
