I hope mine doesn't look like that
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He passed out mid-signature
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
