I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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