tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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