I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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