This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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