I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
