Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
