I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
