You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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