When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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