They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
