um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat