soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.