I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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