If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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