My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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