they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Randomize
