My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.