Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
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I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
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Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle