i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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