then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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