I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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