Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
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you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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