ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
