I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
