Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
