chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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