i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
