I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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