I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
