Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
